What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:48
(And it was in our own minds.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
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All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
How do you know when your skirt is too short?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What one thing makes someone a very mature person?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
How much stronger is an average man than an average woman?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it wasn’t much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My family never makes their pension either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!